Is it me?

My entire life at the moment revolves around finding a job, a real job. It happens every single time I have a goal. In college, it was the same way. It ruins my ability to relax and have fun because I can't relax until I reach whatever goal it is. The only problem is, I went straight from college to job hunting without a break because I couldn't take a break....are you following this?

Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault that I do this. Well, I know its my fault for acting this way, but I wonder if its my fault that this behavior is the reason why I don't have a job. I take it too seriously. But its my life...how can I not take it seriously? Does anyone get what I'm going thru here?

Lately, my usually high self confidence has been greatly declining. It comes out in my interviews, sadly. I've adopted this weird silence where its hard to talk to anyone, especially a potential employer. I still feel like I interview well and I don't get emotional in interviews, but it literally takes everything I have to walk in with a smile on face, sit down, talk, and listen and answer questions. I feel like its my fault that I don't have a job yet because of this behavior and I don't know how to change it.

The silence comes from the fact that I feel like people never shut up. I know that I talk to much at times too, but all day long, not matter where I go or what I do, there are people around me running their mouths about everything except things that matter. I love talking to people that are positive, interesting, and communicate their thoughts and opinions well, but those conversations are so few and far in between. I think the last time I had a conversation like this with a stranger was weeks ago at the church where there is a free gym that I work out at a lot. He was an older man, at least 65. He had a heart attack a while ago and was still on oxygen, but he was working towards recovery by walking on the treadmill. I, of course, in my attempts to not talk to anyone, had my headphones in and he began to talk anyways. I took one ear out to listen and soon took out both ears and put my ipod away and continued to converse with this man for as long as was on the treadmill that day. We talked about faith, church, and he shared his story of his young adopted granddaughter who had suffered some stranger medical issues that left her blind. It was so refreshing to hear how this man, his family, and his granddaughter stayed positive and you could definitely tell this man knew what he was doing in life because of his genuine happiness. I miss that in people. I really do. I pick up way to easily on the attitudes of others and I know this, so this is the kind of people I want to talk to for encouragment.

If it is so easy for me to talk to strangers, why is it so hard for me to find words to talk to my friends and family? I honestly have no idea. Its not that I don't want to talk to them, I want to talk to all of them...but I just can't find the words. Why is that? Its so frustrating and I can't really describe what it is or what it feels like...its just a weird silence. I hope its just a phase and once I figure some things out maybe it'll get better.

Most of the time I feel like every problem that affects me is directly my fault. I tell myself that its not, but I can't be convinced. I got thru college in 4 years which to me is still a huge deal, but I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. The longer I look for a job, the more I feel like I will never have anything to show for it, except the fact that my parents money can buy anything but I can't do anything for myself. Its a very humbling experience, but not in a good way. Maybe I've been overconfident for too long, maybe I'm not as great as I was told I was. Either way it doesn't matter. I'm not here to be the best, I'm here to work hard and help people who are less fortunate than me. But one more question, How can I do that without direction?

Thats what I need, direction. I don't feel like its in the classroom, I don't feel like its in a job persay, I don't know where it is, but I know that I'm not gonna find it by spending even more money that isn't mine and I'm not gonna find by stupid distractions such as vacations, drinking, and feeling "entitled" to the fun things in life. To me, all those things are a reward of hard work put in. I haven't done that yet apparently so I'm just waiting and praying for my chance. I'll go anywhere or do anything, i just need to find it soon.

I'm going running now....hopefully to sweat out the negative energy in me and have a good weekend. There isn't any jon hunting on the weekends, by the way.